You know that feeling you get when you are on a roller coaster? That stomach in your throat, is this exciting or vomit inducing feeling that is such a rush? I've been feeling that constantly the last few weeks. My life has been in limbo while I have been on a sick leave from work. Some days I feel great and feel like I can take on the world, and other days I have to struggle to get out of bed. I know this is the nature of the beast, namely fibromyalgia, but I hate the uncertainty of it all.
Having fibro is like a never ending day at Six Flags.The nerve inducing upward climb of the cars on the track slowly taking you up higher and higher as your anxiety builds, this is a flare day for me. The pain builds and builds as I slowly try to get myself together and try to function as a normal person so that I can spend time with my family and participate in life. I know that I will eventually reach the top and the pain and anxiety will peak, but the journey of getting there makes me want to jump out of my skin with anticipation.
...and then, wheeee, I'm over the crest of the hill and rocketing downwards, exhilaration filling my soul. I am free falling and happy. This is a good day for me. I feel invincible and want to fill every moment with something fun, something meaningful. I want my boys to feel like they are the only things that matter in my world. I want my class to know that I love my job and I want to be spending my time helping them learn. I want my husband to know that all of his hard work is appreciated and he can have the night off, I will be supermom for a few hours.
But those days go quickly and before I know it I am at the base of another hill that must slowly be climbed. In my dreams I yell, "Stop the ride, I want to get off!", but you can't get off in the middle of the track, you have to ride it out until you reach the station again. Let me tell you, I am so looking forward to pulling into that station and just resting for a while.
My mom taught me a trick when I was younger and an actual roller coaster enthusiast. When you get to the top of the hill, take a deep breath and blow out as you go down the hills. I tried it and the results were amazing, my stomach stayed right where it was meant to be and I could enjoy the free fall without fear or anxiety. The next climb up didn't seem so bad because I knew I could handle what was coming up next. I need to apply this to my life now, I need to just breathe out and know that everything is going to be ok.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
My Inspiration
My grandparents have requested an upbeat post today, so here you go!
Meet Bob and Phyllis, my maternal grandparents. These two are an incredible couple that will be celebrating their 59th wedding anniversary this week. My grandpa is a Methodist minister, a carpenter, a farmer, a former sheet metal worker, and one of the funniest people I have ever met. He is also a loving husband, father, brother, grandfather, and great-grandfather. My grandma is a fabulous baker, a wonderful sewer, a musician at heart, a follower of Jesus, and loves each of us for who we are.
Grandpa spoke at our wedding almost 9 years ago. He spoke of the holiness of marriage and wished me the longevity of his and Grandma's union. This was the one moment in my wedding that I fully remember and the only time that I cried that day. My sister, McKenna, was married this past March and Grandpa did the same for her. I cried again at his words on that day as well.
These two raised 3 wonderful and creative children. Gayle, (my mom), Dan, and Marcey. In turn they received 7 grandchildren: Colin, Caiti, John, Kendra, Nora, McKenna, and Will. And so far, have welcomed 3 great-grandchildren into their lives: Kyla, Cole, and Griffin.
The last few years have been rougher for Grandpa and Grandma. They have both faced medical problems, surgeries, chemo, and lots of doctor appointments. When I saw them over the weekend, that was so far from my mind. They haven't let their setbacks keep them down and that provides real inspiration in my life. If they can survive and even flourish day to day, then I think that I can too. I mean, it must be in the genes right?
I love you guys! I am proud and honored to be your granddaughter. Blessed, I am blessed...
Meet Bob and Phyllis, my maternal grandparents. These two are an incredible couple that will be celebrating their 59th wedding anniversary this week. My grandpa is a Methodist minister, a carpenter, a farmer, a former sheet metal worker, and one of the funniest people I have ever met. He is also a loving husband, father, brother, grandfather, and great-grandfather. My grandma is a fabulous baker, a wonderful sewer, a musician at heart, a follower of Jesus, and loves each of us for who we are.
Grandpa spoke at our wedding almost 9 years ago. He spoke of the holiness of marriage and wished me the longevity of his and Grandma's union. This was the one moment in my wedding that I fully remember and the only time that I cried that day. My sister, McKenna, was married this past March and Grandpa did the same for her. I cried again at his words on that day as well.
These two raised 3 wonderful and creative children. Gayle, (my mom), Dan, and Marcey. In turn they received 7 grandchildren: Colin, Caiti, John, Kendra, Nora, McKenna, and Will. And so far, have welcomed 3 great-grandchildren into their lives: Kyla, Cole, and Griffin.
The last few years have been rougher for Grandpa and Grandma. They have both faced medical problems, surgeries, chemo, and lots of doctor appointments. When I saw them over the weekend, that was so far from my mind. They haven't let their setbacks keep them down and that provides real inspiration in my life. If they can survive and even flourish day to day, then I think that I can too. I mean, it must be in the genes right?
I love you guys! I am proud and honored to be your granddaughter. Blessed, I am blessed...
Friday, June 8, 2012
Thankyou for being you!!
Hello friends! I really didn't know how many have been following this blog until I heard from two different people in two days that they noticed I haven't updated. That made me feel pretty good!
This has been a difficult week. I've been having a bad flare and am currently on a short medical leave from work. I miss my preschool kids and co teachers so much! I am in the middle of trying to get some of my medications changed and a healthy sleep pattern established. Last night I spent about 6 hours in the ER trying to get some relief from back, neck, and shoulder pain. Of course, I can't have just a normal visit and I reacted to one of the meds they gave me. It felt like I had restless leg syndrome all over my body and I had to continue punch, kick, and roll over to make the sensations go away. It was not much fun for Brian and Mom to have to watch.
There is always a silver lining and I was able to find it this week. I decided to keep Cole home with me and send Griffin to daycare. As I was laying in bed all of the time, Cole would bring book after book to my bedroom and read to me for hours on end. What a blessing!! I am so proud of the kid he is growing up to be. He can be a handful, but he is also empathetic, sweet, smart, and so stinkin funny. I just love him and feel so lucky that he is mine.
Griffin almost broke my heart last night. I was laying on the floor sobbing and screaming from pain. He knelt down by my side and gave me a hug. With giant tears in his eyes he said, "It's ok Mommy, you're ok!" He kept repeating it over and over and was more persistent each time he said it. My dad came and picked him up and he just sobbed and said he needed to be with his Mommy. It was so sweet and so sad at the same time.
This down time has given me a lot of time for contemplation and prayer. I haven't been praying for myself as much as I have been praying for all of those around me that are having their lives interrupted by fibromyalgia. Although I am the one feeling all of the symptoms, they are the ones that have to figure out how to work around my limitations. Here is my thank you note to them:
Dear Brian, I am so sorry I lost it this week and yelled at you. In our 9 years of marriage, raising our voices has been a rarity. Thank you for dealing with it head on and for so easily forgiving me when I figure out how out of control I was acting. You are an amazing husband, father, and friend. I know that you get frustrated, but you are there when I need you regardless. I love you and appreciate you for all that you do. You are my perfect match and I thank God for you.
Dear Mom and Dad, thank you for taking the kids when it is too much for me. Thank you for staying up all night at the ER and being an advocate for me when I can't find the strength to do it myself. Thank you for your support and love. Thanks for giving me a swift kick in the rear end when I need it and for giving me a big hug when nothing else will do. I am proud to be your daughter and I pray that I make you proud to be my parents.
Dear Gary, Debbie, Beth, and Jeff, thank you for always checking up on us and offering to help in any way you can. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have both sets of their children's grandparents in town and there are days I don't know what we would do without you.
Dear McKenna, you are the best sister in the world! Even when I can't fully describe how I'm feeling, you can sense it and help me out. You are an incredible aunt to my boys and a big help in my life.
Dear Amanda, we sure are a couple of basket cases, I can't believe Rita lets us work together. Thank you for your compassion and never making me feel bad when I'm just having a down day. Your ability to make me laugh is out of this world. You are your own person and you allow me to be my own too, for the good and the bad. I love you.
Dear Tricia, there are some days I wouldn't make it through the day without you. Having a person in the same building that can relate to what I'm feeling is a priceless gift. Plus, your office always smells so good! Love you!
Dear Annie, Judy, and Rachael, my dear co-workers. You all love fiercely and are compassionate people. Even when you yourselves are going through a hard time, you check on me and make sure I'm ok. I hope that I return the love to you in exchange. It is so nice knowing that I can call for prayers are any time and I know you will be on your knees. I am here to do the same for you and I keep all of you in my prayers daily.
Dear Rita, you're my boss and also my friend. You do a great job of balancing those and don't make me feel badly when I'm not 100%. Thank you.
Dear Larry, Nicole, Josh, Jenn, and Christy, I can't accurately put into words how much you mean to me. You are part of the foundation that keep me standing each and every day. You are good for a shoulder to cry on, a joke to put a smile on my face, and a nice addition to a bar stool when I just need a drink. I pray that you know how much I love you guys. There is not a dictionary big enough to find all of the words that would fully describe it.
I could go on and on and on. If I didn't mention your name, that doesn't mean it isn't in my heart.I choose to be a glass half-full kind of person, and I when I really stop to think about how lucky I am, I'm a glass overflowing kind of person.
LIFE IS GOOD!!
This has been a difficult week. I've been having a bad flare and am currently on a short medical leave from work. I miss my preschool kids and co teachers so much! I am in the middle of trying to get some of my medications changed and a healthy sleep pattern established. Last night I spent about 6 hours in the ER trying to get some relief from back, neck, and shoulder pain. Of course, I can't have just a normal visit and I reacted to one of the meds they gave me. It felt like I had restless leg syndrome all over my body and I had to continue punch, kick, and roll over to make the sensations go away. It was not much fun for Brian and Mom to have to watch.
There is always a silver lining and I was able to find it this week. I decided to keep Cole home with me and send Griffin to daycare. As I was laying in bed all of the time, Cole would bring book after book to my bedroom and read to me for hours on end. What a blessing!! I am so proud of the kid he is growing up to be. He can be a handful, but he is also empathetic, sweet, smart, and so stinkin funny. I just love him and feel so lucky that he is mine.
Griffin almost broke my heart last night. I was laying on the floor sobbing and screaming from pain. He knelt down by my side and gave me a hug. With giant tears in his eyes he said, "It's ok Mommy, you're ok!" He kept repeating it over and over and was more persistent each time he said it. My dad came and picked him up and he just sobbed and said he needed to be with his Mommy. It was so sweet and so sad at the same time.
This down time has given me a lot of time for contemplation and prayer. I haven't been praying for myself as much as I have been praying for all of those around me that are having their lives interrupted by fibromyalgia. Although I am the one feeling all of the symptoms, they are the ones that have to figure out how to work around my limitations. Here is my thank you note to them:
Dear Brian, I am so sorry I lost it this week and yelled at you. In our 9 years of marriage, raising our voices has been a rarity. Thank you for dealing with it head on and for so easily forgiving me when I figure out how out of control I was acting. You are an amazing husband, father, and friend. I know that you get frustrated, but you are there when I need you regardless. I love you and appreciate you for all that you do. You are my perfect match and I thank God for you.
Dear Mom and Dad, thank you for taking the kids when it is too much for me. Thank you for staying up all night at the ER and being an advocate for me when I can't find the strength to do it myself. Thank you for your support and love. Thanks for giving me a swift kick in the rear end when I need it and for giving me a big hug when nothing else will do. I am proud to be your daughter and I pray that I make you proud to be my parents.
Dear Gary, Debbie, Beth, and Jeff, thank you for always checking up on us and offering to help in any way you can. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have both sets of their children's grandparents in town and there are days I don't know what we would do without you.
Dear McKenna, you are the best sister in the world! Even when I can't fully describe how I'm feeling, you can sense it and help me out. You are an incredible aunt to my boys and a big help in my life.
Dear Amanda, we sure are a couple of basket cases, I can't believe Rita lets us work together. Thank you for your compassion and never making me feel bad when I'm just having a down day. Your ability to make me laugh is out of this world. You are your own person and you allow me to be my own too, for the good and the bad. I love you.
Dear Tricia, there are some days I wouldn't make it through the day without you. Having a person in the same building that can relate to what I'm feeling is a priceless gift. Plus, your office always smells so good! Love you!
Dear Annie, Judy, and Rachael, my dear co-workers. You all love fiercely and are compassionate people. Even when you yourselves are going through a hard time, you check on me and make sure I'm ok. I hope that I return the love to you in exchange. It is so nice knowing that I can call for prayers are any time and I know you will be on your knees. I am here to do the same for you and I keep all of you in my prayers daily.
Dear Rita, you're my boss and also my friend. You do a great job of balancing those and don't make me feel badly when I'm not 100%. Thank you.
Dear Larry, Nicole, Josh, Jenn, and Christy, I can't accurately put into words how much you mean to me. You are part of the foundation that keep me standing each and every day. You are good for a shoulder to cry on, a joke to put a smile on my face, and a nice addition to a bar stool when I just need a drink. I pray that you know how much I love you guys. There is not a dictionary big enough to find all of the words that would fully describe it.
I could go on and on and on. If I didn't mention your name, that doesn't mean it isn't in my heart.I choose to be a glass half-full kind of person, and I when I really stop to think about how lucky I am, I'm a glass overflowing kind of person.
LIFE IS GOOD!!
Friday, June 1, 2012
Insomnia strikes again
It's 12:31 am, the boys are tucked in bed and Brian has been asleep for hours. Well, I lied; the boys are actually tucked into their respective couches. It's Friday night and I really don't feel like fighting their constant excuses why they can't be in their rooms. Sometimes I'm not sure if they are spoiled or I'm just choosing my battles.
I've been fighting too many other things lately, near the top of that list is insomnia. Even with prescription sleeping pills I am not getting more than 2 hours a night, tops. I used to take 1/2 of a Benadryl and sleep for 12 hours, now I can take 2 whole pills and not feel a thing. I don't really like the tolerances I am building up to medicines. I am currently on 10-12 different meds a day and I am beginning to worry about my liver. I'm too young to worry about that.
Late night TV is horrible. I don't care what kind of shampoo Alyssa Milano uses and nobody poo pooed in my magic lamp, thank you very much.Seriously? I know that I should just turn the TV off and pop on some white noise, but white noise doesn't block out the "what ifs" that jump out of my subconscious and into the main spotlight on the stage of my conscious thought.
What if I fall asleep and the boys need something and I won't hear them? What if I fall asleep and have another one of those crazy vivid dreams brought on by the meds? What if the zombie apocalypse is really coming? What if I fall asleep and then roll into a position that is going to make me feel worse tomorrow? What if I run out of what ifs, will I go brain dead or just get some much needed rest? Which do I prefer at this moment? What if someone is reading the blog I just wrote and finally has the evidence they need to declare me a crazy person? What if the hokey pokey is what it's all about?
But really, I need to sleep. I've tried meds, I've tried tea, I've tried hypnosis Cds, I've tried white noise, I've tried a glass of wine. I think warm milk is disgusting, but I am willing to try it. But, I'm still here and still awake.
Hey, it's now 12:56 and I have used 25 minutes being productive. Huzzah! A night not wasted, finally.
I've been fighting too many other things lately, near the top of that list is insomnia. Even with prescription sleeping pills I am not getting more than 2 hours a night, tops. I used to take 1/2 of a Benadryl and sleep for 12 hours, now I can take 2 whole pills and not feel a thing. I don't really like the tolerances I am building up to medicines. I am currently on 10-12 different meds a day and I am beginning to worry about my liver. I'm too young to worry about that.
Late night TV is horrible. I don't care what kind of shampoo Alyssa Milano uses and nobody poo pooed in my magic lamp, thank you very much.Seriously? I know that I should just turn the TV off and pop on some white noise, but white noise doesn't block out the "what ifs" that jump out of my subconscious and into the main spotlight on the stage of my conscious thought.
What if I fall asleep and the boys need something and I won't hear them? What if I fall asleep and have another one of those crazy vivid dreams brought on by the meds? What if the zombie apocalypse is really coming? What if I fall asleep and then roll into a position that is going to make me feel worse tomorrow? What if I run out of what ifs, will I go brain dead or just get some much needed rest? Which do I prefer at this moment? What if someone is reading the blog I just wrote and finally has the evidence they need to declare me a crazy person? What if the hokey pokey is what it's all about?
But really, I need to sleep. I've tried meds, I've tried tea, I've tried hypnosis Cds, I've tried white noise, I've tried a glass of wine. I think warm milk is disgusting, but I am willing to try it. But, I'm still here and still awake.
Hey, it's now 12:56 and I have used 25 minutes being productive. Huzzah! A night not wasted, finally.
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